Okay, so the title of this entry most definitely shouldn't end with an exclamation point. Or maybe it should, but it's not a happy exclamation point.
Bright and early yesterday morning, on New Year's Day, I got a call from my mom, who is on vacation visiting my brother in New York. The reason she called, other than to wish us a happy new year, was to inform me that PCC had left a message on her home answering machine and they were trying to get in touch with me. She didn't exactly know why or understand the message, but I was sure it was nothing because I knew that my boss had wanted to talk and we were planning on chatting on the phone just a few minutes later. Fast forward to my conversation with my boss: although the six-credit class I'm scheduled to begin teaching on Monday (yes, in three days!) has high enrollment and will definitely be "a go", the other night course FR202, which is the continuation of the one I taught in the fall, only has six students. After interrogating me about why my other six students from last term haven't registered for 202, she let me know that unfortunately since I don't have seniority assignment rights the scheduled teacher for 202 can and will likely steal my class. My internal dialogue ensued as follows: " What the fuck. Okay, I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation for this. We can come up with a few more students. Please don't say this is happening again. WE JUST BOUGHT A HOUSE!!" So she told me to email and call the students from my fall class to see if they were planning on registering, and then we hung up. I spent the next couple hours trying to make sense of things and sorting out who from my fall 201 had registered for the winter 202 and who hadn't, then I both emailed and called all those who weren't registered. Meanwhile, the other night instructor and I spoke politely over the phone, and at the end of the conversation she had the nerve to ask me if she could have the materials I'd prepared for what I thought was to be my class. Since she only has the weekend to prepare now. So I guess that's not that rude, and assuming I'm a compassionate person I should hand my course packets and lessons over to her. But somehow it felt rude, probably because I had just found out about an hour prior that I DON'T HAVE A JOB AND WE NEED THE MONEY.
So, how does this all pertain to baby Chou-chou's blog? Well, now I'm faced with the difficult task of finding another job. After the initial shock of this news set in yesterday, I started to think about how this might all be a blessing in disguise and how maybe I want that full-time career woman job I've felt bad about missing out on for awhile now. After all, Chou-chou's not a tiny baby anymore and he'd probably enjoy many aspects of daycare (socializing with other kids, singing, dancing, getting messy, etc.). Call me crazy, but I started thinking about the possibility of applying at Jarod's work, the big corporate insurance beast that is in no way related to my degrees . He makes good money, and it seems like they're always hiring. How nice would it be to double his income! We could do all sorts of stuff and buy all sorts of things that we've never been able to afford, maybe even go on nice vacations. It started to sound really great in my head, and I made it all "work" in my scheme: although I'd have way less time with Chou-chou, we'd put him in a daycare right nearby and then we'd all have lunch as a family most days; we'd learn how to "do it all" and have "quality time" on the weekends and evenings. I'd make sure to take a day off here and there so we could have special time. Doesn't this all sound great?
Yeah, great. Except hours later the reality of how I felt about leaving Chou-chou all day, every day, set in. And I know enough mommies who work full-time to know that it's not all it's cracked up to be. They all say they enjoy having their working time away from baby, but full-time is really hard. It seems like most moms I know would kill for that two or three day a week job that pays really well. Where are those? I totally want one! Whoever has those jobs probably didn't major in French. And then specialize with a masters.
So what to do... I feel really torn. Unfortunately, or fortunately, I don't really have a decision to make about it. I need to start applying for jobs of all sorts and just see what happens. I don't need to make a ton of money, but once you factor in childcare it's not like I can just go work at Orange Julius. Like I said, in some ways I feel as though I missed out on the "career woman" phase of my life since I had Chou-chou so young, and I kinda like the idea of getting my own personal taste (and hatred?) of corporate America. But I'm not so naive as to assume all that comes with that kind of job is a good paycheck. And I've had it really good, really easy in a lot of ways, over the last couple years. Not that childrearing is easy by any stretch of the imagination! But I have been fortunate enough to spend all my time with my baby, and that's certainly been easier on my heart than leaving him everyday would be. Maybe I should just be thankful I've had this time and realize that most moms don't have this kind of luxury?
How could I miss out on taking Chou-chou out to Pump It Up & pizza like we did today, or swimming lessons in the summer, or the indoor playpark, or the playground? How could I let someone else witness all the precious, and not so precious, moments that take place 9-5? Most of all, how do I know what to do, what's the best choice for me, for Chou-chou, and for our family? I suppose we have time to think and feel it out...
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